It’s been a year. I made the best decision i could ever make. One I was embarrassed about. It’s been a year since i decided to go to therapy. Last year was by far the worst year of my life. I️ lost what I️ felt like was everything. My health, relationships I️ thought would never change, most importantly, I️ lost myself. I didn’t understand why so much could happen to one person. I didn’t share the internal conflicts I️ was facing because I️ didn’t feel like I️ had anybody to share I️t with. Im more of a listener. I️ get fulfillment from finding solutions for other people. When I️t came to myself, I️ kind of just went through the motions. I️t got to the point where I️ didn’t know what was going on, I️ just felt like I️ was suffocating. Drowning in an ocean, with an anchor attached to both of my ankles. There were days I️ couldn’t think of anything worth living for. This wasn’t me though, I️ knew I️t wasn’t. I was depressed. I️ made the best decision of my life to go to therapy.
I️ feel even weird about sharing this but maybe someone, in some way, can benefit from I️t. I️ don’t know. I️ haven’t shared this with anyone but I️ guess now that I’ve acknowledged the change in myself, it’s worth the share. I️t has been a year. 2017 has been amazing to me and I️ honestly wouldn’t change anything that has happened.
I signed a life contract this time last year with my therapist. A contract with a complete stranger, that I wouldn’t take my own life… I️t was then I made the decision, that, that wasn’t me. I knew I lost myself. I completely lost it. The worst part about depression is, I️t doesn’t “look like” you’re depressed. You don’t even want people to know, so, you put on a mask. Keep your feelings and thoughts to yourself because you think no one would understand.
The best thing you can do is understand who you are and what you’re going through. I had to rebuild myself, internally. I️ had to learn how to forgive myself. How to (and I’m still working on this) how to forgive other people. I️ had to! This wasn’t for anyone else, this was for me. People rarely share the dark and ugly stuff, we want everyone to believe we have it all under control. You don’t, not all the time. And, that’s okay. Life doesn’t come with a manual. Shit happens and you have to figure it out as it comes.
I’ve found comfort in writing, I️ started this blog for myself. Some things I don’t share because I feel like maybe it’s too personal, but I’ve found that people need to know they aren’t the only ones going through things. I️ thought nobody would read it, going on a year, the blog has over 10 thousand views and my post have been shared and read in over 35 countries. People can relate. People need to know there are other people struggling through life and I️t isn’t always happy moments. We all go through life and, honestly, life is hard. This year I’ve found things that fulfill me. I’m learning everyday and everyday I’m striving to never be who i was this time last year. Get the help you need. You can’t genuinely help other people without helping yourself first. Go to therapy. Mental health is real. All of the ways you try to escape reality are temporary. When you come down from that high, or hangover, you still have the same problems you tried to escape from. Get you something to believe in. As for me, God is real. If you need help, don’t be ashamed of that. There are people who want to help you. No one can read your mind though. Praying isn’t enough if you aren’t willing to work your way in a new life. Be intentional. It’s okay to change too. You don’t have to be who people want or expect you to be. Be honest. Commit to yourself.
Everything I lost, this time last year, I gained back, and much more. I’ve built new relationships, got rid or toxic people and situations, I forgave people who weren’t sorry, I forgave myself. It’s been a year. A year I’m eternally grateful for. Im not even who i need to be yet but I️ feel like I’m going in the right direction now. I’ve found my passion, purpose, now still on the journey for complete peace. Please, protect your peace. I wrote all of this to say, I’m excited for more life, more everything.